To be honest I never saw it coming…
When I was rounder than round with our first baby My Farmer was tearing apart the house that he had grown up in, making changes to it from a design off of a white paper napkin we came up with over dinner. We had just moved to the farm after many years here and there. I left a great Interior Design job knowing I was going to a greater job, to the life that we always knew was coming. Babies and time do that, bring clarity and longing to lay roots. The house began to take shape. It Began to become that which we had envisioned and two weeks after we had our Tall Girl we moved into our “forever” home. I loved so much of it, and as I labored new life into the world My Farmer labored tirelessly to make it habitable and we started our life in a place so familiar and yet so new. That feels like a really long time ago…
We always thought we would do more to the house. We needed a garage and to replace all of the windows and siding. It needed more TLC but we would wait until we knew just what we wanted and time and money would allow for the changes. We were a small little family in a sweet place to call home.
Years went by as they just do. Getting away on us to grow children and farms and ourselves. These are the things of life. But I never forgot about our house, our plans. They were always with me as I played out my days making memories and food, lots of food in “the farm house”. This is just the nature of an Interior Designer, the design is never finished. My ideas and redesigns grew with me as my family grew and I continually hashed out what might work for us and what we should do. But the timing never seemed right. My Farmer had been burnt out on renovating this house and was on to frying bigger fish. We both were in some ways. We added Mini Me to the mix and the four of us forged a beautiful life in a mostly beautiful home.
We started our first adoption in 2008. We were hopeful for another child and for things to go the way the agency said they would but of course they didn’t and so, 4 years later we welcomed Little Man into our family. We still had enough bedrooms but in the course of those four years God had different plans for us and we jumped onto a completely different path, one that I hadn’t planned for, but fit like a glove. We brought Tall Girl home to school with us her grade 2 year and haven’t looked back.
It’s in those big moments in life that you feel a shift and you know that things will never be the same and never look like what you had envisioned for yourself or your family and it feels like home. This shift brought a little more angst between me and my sweet house as we added children and we kept them home all day. No garage meant battling the elements a good portion of the year with frozen doors and frozen kids and frozen groceries. Sometimes these things can push you over the edge of sanity and I have had my share of temper tantrums over pick axing ice off of my back bumper so that I can actually get the groceries home. It’s painful and sad to be a grown woman battling the elements when they are winning and it wears on you like a broken record week after week, winter after winter and I was getting itchy for a warm place to park my car. I can tell you I never saw this as my future when I looked into My farmers eyes and said “I do”. I guess that is that part where you say, “for better or worse”. Or cold!
I began working diligently on a redesign of our sweet house and for two years hashed it out with my friend and Architect Joe Hosek. It was fun and great to re envision our sweet house into more of what we needed and wanted. But My Farmer wasn’t really into it. We hadn’t done the hard work of being on the same page. And at one point My Farmer says to me, ” I think we should just build new if this is going to cost a lot.” What was he thinking? I had spent the better part of seven years redesigning our house and now he wanted to start new! I couldn’t go there with him. This was the first I had heard of it and I wasn’t really open to that line of thinking. THIS was our house, THIS was where we had been forging our family and life.
I finished up the plans and we began asking our contractor friend about our redesign and kept getting bad news. The cost of building was continuing to go up. He was nervous about how we were going to know what this reno would cost us. He really began to plant a seed of doubt about the feasibility of doing something major to this house. So for the next two years we went back and forth about what to do. For those two years I prayed that God would change me, would make my wants and desires to align with his will and not just that of my imagination. There were hard moments in these years. My Farmer was taking the prudent route and I wanted him to detour onto my fast highway of agendas but that is not the way of good decision making and that is not usually the way God bestows his gifts. I would need to wait and keep waiting and many days I was good with that and many days, I am sad to say, I wasn’t. To relinquish is hard and I had grasped so tightly to this house over the years that it was going to take a crowbar to relinquish this grip. Thankfully My Farmer is steadfast in his resolve of doing the right thing.
As we crept our way to the same page, God was doing so many other works in our lives and we welcomed another little man into our family in October of 2013 by way of adoption. Who cares about a house when your talking babies, but we knew we were going to have to figure something out as we were growing out of our home and needed a change.
This past winter we diligently worked on all of the pieces of the house puzzle and bent low asking for clarity and like mindedness. This was a hard season for me in many ways. God was on the move, answering prayers and reminding me to take perspective. I think when you have something in your head for so long it’s amazing how very hard it can be to move to the beat of another drum and not control all of the variables along the way. This can be a very difficult place to live, tight, clenched hands over something that frankly isn’t even mine to begin with. And so God slowly helped me to unfurl my hands and my dreams and lay them down so I wouldn’t have to carry those burdens any more and wouldn’t have to dump them on My Farmer any more. These are the reflections in the mirror you could just do with out seeing, but if your willing to look at them, your willing to live fully alive and free and that is where I found my self in March of this year. Shifted, different. Willing to wait a bit more. Willing to let My Farmer lead and that is why I never saw it coming, the building of a new house in a new season, the season of now. With a desperate resolve to keep my hands wide open to receive God’s unbelievable gifts, this is where I sit today, with bare ground waiting for a house to go up to become a home.
If you can indulge me, I would like to chronicle our journey of building here. So I will hopefully be posting about our process and what it’s like to build a house into a home.